By Julie Smith

I've written "advice to graduates" before, but what the heck. Turns out my well o' wisdom still has a few drops left.
What's that? I'm late? Well, fine then, if you're so smart you don't need a little belated advice, by all means go back to your basic cable and watch "Employee of the Month" again. See if I sweat. Just kidding... not.
Below is everything that 47 years have taught me.

Well, some things, anyway. I only have so much room here.
* Given a choice between borrowing money from family or a sweaty loan shark named Sal, go with Sal.
* Don't drink anything green. It only leads to woe.
* Never play five-card stud with a cross-dresser named Tammy.
* Lick the foam off your top lip and listen to this: UNLESS YOU'RE AWAITING THE RESULTS OF A BIOPSY, IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY.
* You know what a starter marriage is? Date until you're 30 and you might be able to skip it.
* Malt-O-Meal is just as tasty as a $5 box of Cheerios. Plus, you can seal it with a paper clip.
* You don't have to go to church, but it wouldn't kill you.
* If there's any scratch left at the end of the month, it'll be a miracle. But try anyway.
* Some things make us all swell up: Olives, sunburn, a bad marriage.
* If you don't have children, that's fine, but be aware that you will one day transfer all that devotion to a wheezing pug that pees on your hair. Don't ask me how I know this.
* Few purchases in life will serve you better than a hammock.
* You need a life coach like your great-granddaddy needed a snake oil salesman.
* Remember the three Rs: Reuse, recycle, renew. Ideal example: Buying your ex-roommate's bamboo futon. But change the sheets.
* Respect your parents, because in a twinkling you'll be saying, "Jeez, I hate to drive at night," too.
* If you don't know what "twinkling" means, Lord help us.
* Good wine will make you throw up just as bad as cheap wine.
* You're right. You do need to spend three months surfing in Costa Rica. No, really. You do.
* Never, never, never slap a puppy. Bad karma will dog you for years. Pun so intended.
* Vitamins are no substitute for real life. I mean real food.
* Yard work is over-rated. You think Warren Buffett ever pulled a weed?
* Powdered milk is just as bad as you think it is.
* If you find yourself drunk on the couch watching any Oliver Stone film for the second time, you're a conspiracy theorist.
* But watch every movie featuring Don Cheadle you can find. Dude is sick! (See how hip I am? I know "sick" means great!)
* To the female grads out there: Wear a miniskirt every waking minute, because once you hit 35 that train is gone.
Julie R. Smith, who is so very wise her friends avoid her, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.